Amputated Souls

Asperger’s has affected our family so profoundly that it feels like our souls have been removed and replaced by an individuality that has separated us from each other. As a family we strive to be connected to each other.  It feels as if we are all seeking direction, answers and values from each other but all we are doing is bouncing into each other causing more confusion and pain.  It is so hard to get inside a child with autism’s head. I see him come home from school and curl up in a ball and rock back and forth. Is he happy?  Or, is he about to explode?  And in the room next to him is his brother who is having his own meltdown.  The bond they once had as little boys seems to becoming increasingly distant.  They are experiencing aloneness and getting back to what we once had seems to be becoming more painful.

Aloneness can give us a strength.  It can allow us to look to ourselves and find what it is that we use to connect with. What strengths other people can derive from us.  We find what makes us unique and what interests we have.  This is not a natural process.  It is so easy to look at others and become entangled in those lives around us.  Being alone becomes an alienation that most people find very scary.

I came into my marriage basically knowing who I was and I had a sense of my strengths.  I used them at work and to run my life as a well-oiled machine.  That was my problem.  I was running my life.  A big explosion put that into perspective.  God gave me two beautiful boys to grow and nurture.  The control I once had is gone. Our family is falling apart.  I know this because my once sweet, caring husband comes home with no smiles or jokes. Just misery. I love my family but the aloneness has made our warm, loving home somewhat of confusing place to be. We feel personally deprived, and can only expect a clinging relationship that is not therapeutic for anyone.  The significance we want to feel in each other’s world gives us a small sense of meaning to life. So, although we have lived in a certain pattern for so long, it is time to create a new pattern that will be a welcome change for all of us.