Recovery


Forgiven and free.  Does forgiveness make you free?  Do we ever truly forgive? The past continues to flow through my blood as if to allow my heart to pump. With every beat it hardens and the sclerotic formation causes my soul to form a stone ash that is blown away as my anger causes the soot to explode into a powdery cloud.  My anger is settling nicely throughout my body as if it is comfortable in consuming my entire being.  I hate what my life has become.  My head is consumed with idealistic, antagonistic voices that cause my anger to rumble up through my soul.  I hate myself or do I hate what I hear?  Why do I try to be clean and sober when the outcome even though different, still pains me?  I still feel the pain of coming clean?  I am cursed by the hatred I have for myself and it is only enforced by what I hear.  I do not feel better only different.  My body is still riddled with the sick emotions that hold it together so my physical embodiment cannot thrive.  I have no energy or drive to move through this life.  I am riddled with the voices that glue me to my surroundings as if I am bound to my own personal prison. I am paralyzed with a power from my head that I continue to fight.  I feel like I am fighting a force that has taken everything from me. The more I listen the more it taunts me.  I am fighting a force I cannot get away from.  I cannot close my eyes and hear silence.  I hear only the sounds of my past.  A past that has dried up but has regrown different places or in different relationships.  Why can I not move forward and away from this place I am in?  Is it because someone else thinks my life needs a different direction?

So,  How do you forgive when you don’t know what to forgive?  This is an empty existence.  How do you exist when you do not know why you are here?  I have gone through too much trouble and pain in my life at this point to recover completely.  There will always be a memory of the past and what has happened to me.  There will never be anyone who will ever completely understand the pain and perseverance it took to come out of such a dark place and then to enter into it again only deeper into an abyss.  This is where most people say they know where they have been and will never go back there.  So why did I?  Did I never leave?  Did I never recover?  Will I be at this place until I die?  Are some of the things I do responsible for that?  Most likely.  But, why am I still cursed by hearing myself think?  The complete detail of the conversations play out like a group of actors on a stage.  Just once I would like to turn them off and show the world what I can do.  But, I am not in control so I sit in my house everyday fighting off the noise and determined to not listen.

 

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8 thoughts on “Recovery

  1. Pingback: Recovery | thecandidpickle

  2. Hello there, my name is Jennifer. I’m sorry you have to struggle with something so painful, I appreciate your willingness to share with others. I know someone very well who has been struggling with addiction for a long time. I wish I had a magical way to help those who suffer…
    If you don’t mind, I would like to pray for you. I wish you greater peace…

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  3. Your pain saddens me – I wish I could reach out to you in some way to pull you through all of your darkness to the light. There is light. There is hope. You have to force yourself to believe and keep on constant guard to not allow the negativity into your mind. It is difficult and no, I know I cannot possibly understand what life you have been dealt; I just know I have reached a level of sadness and darkness a few times in my life and it has sucked me down so far I didn’t want to see the light or I couldn’t past my pain. Your words have been familiar to me. The only hope I had was the light of our Creator – and it is real. I will not “preach”, but, I am a believer. I have felt it and I know it and He is there for us. I know it and I have felt it. Please, if you would like find a K-LOVE station (www.klove.com) and listen to the words of those songs. Keep it on at all times for at least for 30 days. It is the 30 day challenge and truly listen to the words and not the words in your mind saying you can’t. It has changed my life….I pray for peace in your life.

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    • Thank you so much for your kind words. My husband has a masters in theology. And I have my church family but right now I feel so far from God. He is preparing me for something…..but it is hard to understand unless you have walked through it. Thanks again for your concern. It means alot. jenn

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