The Elephant on my Chest

SORRY:  Not for the weak at heart
heart-compass-147449I feel alone.  My head holds a conversation that only allows me to absorb the mocking cackle but does not allow me to defend myself.  I cannot release the pressure and the pain is unbearable. I find myself on the verge of an explosion.  Who do I talk to?  Why are the voices allowed to control my mind?  It is as if my life is being controlled by something other than myself.

I am alone and that breaks me.  I feel like I have been shattered in a million pieces by the emotional punches I feel everyday.  I want my mind to be free.  I want it to be free to love my husband and my children and to not be judged if I fall short. But, How do you ordinarily walk around when you are so isolated within your own mind.  How would Phil every understand.  I know he can’t.  When I want to talk to him I hurt so bad I don’t know where to start or what to say.  There is a sad, boring, miserable wife looking to him to help but he cannot see or feel my demons.  I want to be free.  I get so far down that I freeze and my world stops.  The everyday patterns and normalcy become like an elephant sitting on my chest.  I can turn my head to see the world spinning but I cannot move to do anything about it.  I want it to go away. elephant_sitting_on_my_chest_cut_outs-r46f5a186a4364deaa3947941b34ed3f6_x7sa6_8byvr_512 My life has become so unhappy that pushing through is not an option anymore without help.  As a child problems always seemed to overwhelm me and instead of learning from my dad, I felt degraded.  I only remember the embarrassment and shame I felt if I had to be bailed out of a situation.  I feel that way when I talk to Phil.  How can I be so strong at one point and so weak at another?  I do not know how to free myself and this is a pattern that has always haunted me.  I get numb and I cannot allow anyone else in.  Phil just tells me I need to work things out with my dad but what about in the mean time.  Who do I turn to? Who is there to hold me and tell me it will be ok?  I guess the responsibility doesn’t lie on anyone else.  But, I am to weak to do this anymore.  I have nothing left.  It is paralyzing and horrifying to watch life pass by and literally not know what to do.  I feel my life has been a big lie. Am I still in it?  What do I have to do to get better?  Listen again?  Walk through hell again?  It has all been a lie.  Just to be hurt again.     I married a great man.


3 thoughts on “The Elephant on my Chest

  1. I really do understand your words as I am there a lot of the time. I have some good days, but I have been in the same spot you are in a lot lately. Thoughts run through my head so fast and yet nothing comes out of my mouth. Nobody understands…. Except my doctor. If I let my husband into my head it would probably drive him crazy :(. It drives me crazy half the time….

    Nobody knows the state my mind is in. I don’t let them know it. I just make it through my day….

    You are not alone.


  2. Pingback: Sunday Sundries — Treasured Perspective | Impromptu Promptlings

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