SORRY: Not for the weak at heart
I feel alone. My head holds a conversation that only allows me to absorb the mocking cackle but does not allow me to defend myself. I cannot release the pressure and the pain is unbearable. I find myself on the verge of an explosion. Who do I talk to? Why are the voices allowed to control my mind? It is as if my life is being controlled by something other than myself.
I am alone and that breaks me. I feel like I have been shattered in a million pieces by the emotional punches I feel everyday. I want my mind to be free. I want it to be free to love my husband and my children and to not be judged if I fall short. But, How do you ordinarily walk around when you are so isolated within your own mind. How would Phil every understand. I know he can’t. When I want to talk to him I hurt so bad I don’t know where to start or what to say. There is a sad, boring, miserable wife looking to him to help but he cannot see or feel my demons. I want to be free. I get so far down that I freeze and my world stops. The everyday patterns and normalcy become like an elephant sitting on my chest. I can turn my head to see the world spinning but I cannot move to do anything about it. I want it to go away. My life has become so unhappy that pushing through is not an option anymore without help. As a child problems always seemed to overwhelm me and instead of learning from my dad, I felt degraded. I only remember the embarrassment and shame I felt if I had to be bailed out of a situation. I feel that way when I talk to Phil. How can I be so strong at one point and so weak at another? I do not know how to free myself and this is a pattern that has always haunted me. I get numb and I cannot allow anyone else in. Phil just tells me I need to work things out with my dad but what about in the mean time. Who do I turn to? Who is there to hold me and tell me it will be ok? I guess the responsibility doesn’t lie on anyone else. But, I am to weak to do this anymore. I have nothing left. It is paralyzing and horrifying to watch life pass by and literally not know what to do. I feel my life has been a big lie. Am I still in it? What do I have to do to get better? Listen again? Walk through hell again? It has all been a lie. Just to be hurt again. I married a great man.