Alone with Autism

     I sit here again in the house surrounded by the hum of the TV.  I struggle to decide what I want to do.  I am all alone again with my thoughts and they are not moving in a good direction.  I am angry and so everything that pops into my head is twisted until it becomes thoughts of negativity.  I do not find joy in any thing anymore.  Even a simple movie stirs me up like I am about to boil over.  The boredom I have found in my life now has become an obsession that I cannot control.  The sounds around me make me feel like they are igniting an engine that is running on auto pilot.  I cannot control this anger and the combustion is getting stronger and stronger.  I see the joy in nothing.  My life has become a series of seconds that shape the outline of my day until the hours are up.  I continue this pattern day after day until there is a quick burst of change that excites me then I somehow realize again where I am and who I have become.   My life again becomes surrounded in a dark cloud of misery.  I walk through my day, controlling only my actions.   I want to know why I try anymore.  My heart feels the same numbness no matter what.  I am completely and utterly sad.  There is no feeling in the world that can compare.  The pain becomes so great.  Why is there such a worthless feeling if there is something left to be discovered?  God allows pain and suffering for many reasons but I feel lifeless.  The numbness I feel has consumed almost every part of my being.  It will be hard to continue on this path very long. The deep anger I feel is holding together any emotional bondage I attach with anyone.  Soon I will have to release this feeling.  I feel like no one can hear me.  No one is listening.  

In an hour, I will put on my brave face and fight through homework, dinner and baths.  I see their faces and I know they need me.  And, I need them.  The love I have for them and the will for them to succeed allows this crazy life to continue day after day….