I sit here again in the house surrounded by the hum of the TV. I struggle to decide what I want to do. I am all alone again with my thoughts and they are not moving in a good direction. I am angry and so everything that pops into my head is twisted until it becomes thoughts of negativity. I do not find joy in any thing anymore. Even a simple movie stirs me up like I am about to boil over. The boredom I have found in my life now has become an obsession that I cannot control. The sounds around me make me feel like they are igniting an engine that is running on auto pilot. I cannot control this anger and the combustion is getting stronger and stronger. I see the joy in nothing. My life has become a series of seconds that shape the outline of my day until the hours are up. I continue this pattern day after day until there is a quick burst of change that excites me then I somehow realize again where I am and who I have become. My life again becomes surrounded in a dark cloud of misery. I walk through my day, controlling only my actions. I want to know why I try anymore. My heart feels the same numbness no matter what. I am completely and utterly sad. There is no feeling in the world that can compare. The pain becomes so great. Why is there such a worthless feeling if there is something left to be discovered? God allows pain and suffering for many reasons but I feel lifeless. The numbness I feel has consumed almost every part of my being. It will be hard to continue on this path very long. The deep anger I feel is holding together any emotional bondage I attach with anyone. Soon I will have to release this feeling. I feel like no one can hear me. No one is listening.
In an hour, I will put on my brave face and fight through homework, dinner and baths. I see their faces and I know they need me. And, I need them. The love I have for them and the will for them to succeed allows this crazy life to continue day after day….