Alone with Autism

dark_mood_girl_child_children_fantasy_night_phone I sit here again in the house surrounded by the hum of the TV.  I struggle to decide what I want to do.  I am all alone again with my thoughts and they are not moving in a good direction.  I am angry and so everything that pops into my head is twisted until it becomes thoughts of negativity.  I do not find joy in any thing anymore.  Even a simple movie stirs me up like I am about to boil over.  The boredom I have found in my life now has become an obsession that I cannot control.  The sounds around me make me feel like they are igniting an engine that is running on auto pilot.  I cannot control this anger and the combustion is getting stronger and stronger.  I see the joy in nothing.  My life has become a series of seconds that shape the outline of my day until the hours are up.  I continue this pattern day after day until there is a quick burst of change that excites me then I somehow realize again where I am and who I have become.   My life again becomes surrounded in a dark cloud of misery.  I walk through my day, controlling only my actions.   I want to know why I try anymore.  My heart feels the same numbness no matter what.  I am completely and utterly sad.  There is no feeling in the world that can compare.  The pain becomes so great.  Why is there such a worthless feeling if there is something left to be discovered?  God allows pain and suffering for many reasons but I feel lifeless.  The numbness I feel has consumed almost every part of my being.  It will be hard to continue on this path very long. The deep anger I feel is holding together any emotional bondage I attach with anyone.  Soon I will have to release this feeling.  I feel like no one can hear me.  No one is listening.  

In an hour, I will put on my brave face and fight through homework, dinner and baths.  I see their faces and I know they need me.  And, I need them.  The love I have for them and the will for them to succeed allows this crazy life to continue day after day….smiley face-face smile-free-Smiley Face


13 thoughts on “Alone with Autism

  1. I know a lot of the things that you write here. I feel that a lot of the time. I’m Asperger’s and I’m in a struggling point in my life right now.

    Reading this makes me realize that I too can post what I’m thinking and feeling.

    You’re not alone. We are both going through this. Stay strong and hold onto your precious children. They will help you get through like Juli helps me.

    I’m here too so feel free to connect with me if you wish 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I get it. I wish for my sake that I didn’t. But for your sake, I’m glad I do. It’s an awful state to be in, but you are definitely not alone. Hang in there. Consider printing this blog out and taking it to your doctor. Perhaps you don’t have to continue to feel like this. ❤


  3. Never give up. So many feel the same way. Counseling is a good option and does help. From chiropractic point of view, adjustments do help relieve the nervous system , increase circulation, helps with anxiety. Also drink plenty of water and cut back on the sugar and caffeine. Walking is a great method of stress relief . Highly recommend. You need an outlet for this stress. Start with 15 minute walk a day then increase as you go.


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